So what’s going on in the land of soap this week I hear you all asking. Well…
EastEnders – w/e 7 Sept
This week sees the return of Phil Mitchell. Hooray – a proper Mitchell is back in Albert Square. Anyway guess what? He’s back on the booze. Yes, Phil is still blaming himself for the suicide of Stella and for not realising that Ben was being abused. He will make a spectacular entrance by drunkenly falling head-first into Janet’s first birthday cake. Peggy tells Ronnie and Roxy to pack their bags (dare we hope it’s forever?). In yet another boring Ian Beale storyline in the making, Ian lashes out at Craig after finding Lucy has skived school to be with him. It appears that our hero Gus will get some screentime this week (who-hoo!) – he and Mickey get confused over new girlfriends. Why? Aren’t they human?
Lucy bribes Deano (this girl is getting as evil as Corrie’s David Platt) and he’s torn. Denise returns and organises an interview for her two heroes. Chelsea and Deano are in very hot water when they are questioned at the police station. New evidence has appeared which casts doubt over their statements. Kevin toils over what to do with the tape – will he incriminate his own family? Well this is a non-starter of a plot. We all know he’s probably going to land them in it because Parklife! Phil Daniels is leaving the soap. The police are told who really attacked Patrick. It’s not exactly ‘who shot JR?’ but this is the big reveal this week in EastEnders.
Coronation Street – w/e 7 Sept
It would be action and excitment in Corrie if it were anyone else but yawn-inducing Ashley/Casey/Clurrrrrrrrr. They’re at the centre of a lot of time this week. Crazy Casey kidnaps baby Freddie and threatens to jump off a high-rise balcony with him unless Ashley says that he loves her and not Clurrrrrr (oh puhleeeeeez!). Be warned: there’s a full week of the utterly tedious Casey/Ashley/Clurrrrrrr love triangle. That’s your cue to put the kettle on. Norris is smarting over Rita’s refusal to marry him and Sinbad-Jerry and Eileen are still circling around each other and playing it cool. Damien-David’s up to mischief. Again. The evil little blighter gets his hands on Darryl’s air rifle (even if David got his hands on a paper clip there’d be trouble) and makes life difficult for his mum. Hayley feels uncomfortable about all the lies she’s telling Roy.
After a blazing row with Gail, Damien-David packs his bags and walks out of the house, telling her to have a happy life (he’s soooo sarky). But it’s not the last we see of him. Over at Weatherfield General, it’s time for another dodgy storyline as Violet and Sean (the chat show king Antony Cotton) nervously arrive for a scan. Never been convinced about Violet, but there you are. Anyway, they are put at ease by a good-looking sonographer called Marcus. Sean quickly makes it clear that although he is the child’s father he is also single, gay and available (this year’s killer chat-up line – bar none). Marcus gives Sean his phone number and we have the next geezer to break his heart all lined up…
Emmerdale – w/e 7 Sept
Are there any Emmerdale fans left? I swear this soap is drier than the Sahara desert at the moment. Anyway, I’m devoting about as much attention to it as the writer’s obviously do so this will be nice and short and sweet. Here goes…the Great Diamond Robbery storyline continues as Debbie Dingle (I just love that name – so page 3) double-crosses Chas and Lexi, cutting the pair out of the deal. Debbie swaps the real jewels for fakes and, in a move that would dazzle all those Three Card Monte/Find The Lady scammers, it’s a case of fake diamonds versus real diamonds. Not even the original wheeler-dealer J.R. Ewing would have come up with a plan like that. Eli kidnaps Marlon and drives him to the top of a multi-storey car park (I wonder if he’ll be able to find his way out? I always have problems with those car parks). The pair then fight and Eli is left clinging on to the side of the building…literally hanging on for dear life. So will Marlon finish him off? For Eli’s sake, let’s pray that Marlon isn’t wearing steel toe cap Dr Martin’s boots. Then again, he’s another useless character so let’s hope for the best. Or worst. It all depends on your point of view…
Hollyoaks – w/e 7 Sept
Just think, Big Brother 8 winner Brian Belo will be able to watch this week. If you thought Mellisa collapsing would bring Hannah to her senses – the answer is don’t be daft. This week, we see the girls planning to bust Mellisa out of hospital. I think the subject of anorexia is a brave subject for the writers and producers of Hollyoaks to tackle. But considering most of the women look like they’re ready to star in a Girls Aloud video, it smacks a bit of double standards. After all, impressionable girls want to be like the gorgeous women they see on Hollyoaks and don’t tell me they all look that way thanks to a fast metabolism…Nancy tells Jake that she wants Russ to move out. Craig is desperate to keep his engagement to Sarah secret and Louise is shocked when Warren announces his plans for the future.
Gus Watch: Last week on EastEnders, our hero Gus single-handedly saved the human race from an alien attack. He used his broom as a lightsaber to cut all the mutants to pieces before sweeping them up…in other words Gus did nothing useful on EastEnders.
That’s it for now. See you all on Wednesday with some more soap gossip. Got a comment about your favourite soap, this blog or anything else? Share it with me here.
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