Hello Soapsters, welcome to another slice of soap. Let’s get to it…
It’s been quite an eventful few days in Albert Square. Half of the inhabitants contracted food poisoning from Ian’s out-of-date fish; Stacey and Chelsea came to blows at the annual Albert Square ‘Fun Day’ and Sean ‘shout!’ Slater arranged some brutal revenge on Deano from his prison cell. But the image that made a bigger mark on me was Patrick all tooled up on Monday night’s episode. That knock on the head must have caused more damage than we all initially thought. As I watched Patrick practicing his Bruce Lee Kung Fu moves in front of the mirror, I couldn’t help but think, yes man….Patrick’s turned rude bwoy…Shaft is back! Remember the theme song? Instead of: ‘Who’s the black private dick, that’s a sex machine to all the chicks? – Shaft! Can you dig it?’, we’ll all be singing: ‘Who’s the black shop owner, whose nagging wife’s an endless moaner – Trueman! You get me?’
Patrick getting hit over the head by some unknown individual just wouldn’t happen in real life. What self-respecting Caribbean shop owner would be in his shop without a whopping great big machette somewhere near by? You know…for scaling fish and chopping up mangoes and ting.
In all seriousness, I still feel that the EastEnders writers need to do a bit more research into the background of some of their ethnic characters. Take Yolande, for example. Take her and put her on the first Space Shuttle blasting off Earth and leave her there; in space no one would hear her moan. That’s all the woman does – moan, moan, moan. Patrick probably hit himself over the head to get the sympathy vote from her and shut her up. Anyway, Yolande is just the latest in a long line of unconvincing black characters on EastEnders (remember the Taverniers? Celestine and Etta?). And can anybody please tell me exactly where in the Caribbean Patrick’s accent originates from? Is it Jamaica? St Lucia? Antigua? Grenada? Trinidad? Barbadooooos? Surely wherever it is, the people don’t end every single sentence with the words "nuh man"? Do you EastEnders writers understand what I mean…nuh man? Not all Caribbean people end their sentences with those two words! DO YOUR RESEARCH…nuh man!
The hand of fear struck as I thought the EastEnders writers were finally writing our hero Gus out of the show. It came when Big Mo squashed something underneath that table: it turned out to be Charlie Slater’s marrow (EastEnders does rubbish comedy). What did the marrow do to deserve such a violent death? That marrow was a damn sight more useful to the show than Gus could ever be. Maybe they’ll re-enact the scene at next year’s Fun Day? It could go something like this…Our hero Gus is busy sweeping the streets of Walford while everyone else is enjoying themselves at the annual Fun Day. Suddenly, Charlie Slater’s marrow finds itself trapped underneath Big Mo’s table. Seeing that the marrow is in great danger, Gus puts down his broom and quickly dives under the table in a desperate attempt to rescue it (now here’s where it all gets exciting). Heather (you know, the cross between Big Daddy and Giant Haystacks) happens to be passing by and slips on a bit of Ian Beale’s out-of-date fish killing both the marrow and poor old Gus. Now that’s what I call a storyline.
That’s it for now. I’m off to have a word with the EastEnders scriptwriters. See you all on Friday with some more soap gossip. Got a comment about your favourite soap, this blog or anything else? Share it with me here.
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